Our American culture is fast paced and somewhat chaotic by nature. Maybe that’s the result of how we came to be Americans, fighting for our liberty from the colonial bondage instituted by Britain. So maybe our history has kept us in a perpetual fight or flight mode. Really think about it. Have you ever been to New York City where it feels like everyone is rushing toward something or on a rural backroad that virtually goes nowhere and still there is this one car that is practically on your bumper. I feel like at this stage in the game we are the country equivalent of an angsty teenager and maybe we are just that, after all our history as a nation is relatively new comparatively. Nations, like people, must undergo shifts to illicit change. After recent events, it is clear that we are in dire need of a major cultural shift. One that identifies the issues affecting us in the now; one that acknowledges that there is much work to be done. Of course that’s never easy, it requires introspection and no one likes to answer the tough questions about themselves.
In light of recent events, I was inspired to watch the documentary The Story of Diana because I needed to see an example of light. She was a truly beautiful soul who used her public fame to raise awareness for those who had no voice. She shifted the world view in a humanitarian effort to spark real change. I can’t say that I would have had the courage to walk through a mine field, even with the plastic face guard and padding; but I would like to think I’d at least get suited up. I feel like as individuals there a number of times in life when we face a ‘precipice’ that requires us to make a shift in thinking, perspective, attitude, priority, something. Think about it, in our younger years that may be finding a new table to sit at in the cafeteria, as young adults knowing when it’s time to get out of a bad relationship even though we still love the other person, or in full fledged adult mode acknowledging that maybe our first career choice wasn’t the right one. Whatever the situation is, it requires some pretty serious thinking.
For me right now, my precipice or cliff moment is figuring out who I am in the wake of my transplant. Some things I know for sure are that I am fortunate and I am loved. Everything after that seems inconsequential really but still a part of the big picture. Until the age of twenty two, I was consumed by my academic studies. I had to do well, not because anyone demanded it of me but because I demanded it of myself. Until my Hodgkin’s, I was consumed by my career. And since the day of my diagnosis, I’ve been consumed by the threat of my cancer even if it didn’t appear that way. I’m not saying that it’s all I thought about or tended to, but it has always been a force to contend with. It completely changed the life I thought I would have, for better or worse. I met Josh again and fell in love, which I might have shrugged off prior because I was too busy with my job and instead I get to be busy planning my wedding (which I already have a giant Tupperware container marked wedding stuff for two years from now). I made peace with the fact that there is a very slight chance that I will ever have children of my own, which was initially devastating. Instead we will continue to have furbabies and spoil the other children in our lives. I also never thought I could sport a Natalie Portman pixie or be without Target for 127 days, thank God for Amazon. Cancer changes things and anyone who says otherwise has never had cancer or been close to someone with it. But you adjust, it just takes a shift in thinking.
Now that I’ve had a bone marrow transplant, the threat of my cancer is still there but it’s more like a distant storm that only rumbles when I have an appointment or when the ‘Nervous Nellies’ in my life I get nervous if I do anything without a hazmat suit even if it is outdoors. Sort of like a reminder that it could rain at anytime, but I won’t melt if it does. So I’m left with this new normal that requires another shift. I need to find a healthy balance in general, my own personal zen. I haven’t quite gotten it down yet, but I think I’m getting there. For now I get to focus on me, planning my wedding, working from home until January in some capacity, writing, reading, playing with Jax, socializing from my patio and various porches, exercising, asking the tough questions, accepting the shifts, and loving the life I have.