I think I have been waiting for something profound to write about or say and I keep coming up empty handed, so to speak. I feel like after all of this, I should have some sage advice to offer, to myself mostly, or at the very least have a wise phrase that others may jot down in their journals – because everyone does that, right? But nope, I have not a thing. However, I did come across a quote, that I quickly jotted in my journal, that resonated with me ; “The things that is really hard and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself”.
And I have come to realize that just being, for the majority of people, is work. In the words of one of my former students, “the struggle is real”. I’m six months out from my transplant. No gvh or signs of a struggle between my cells and my donor cells. And I just received the official word on my latest test results – 100% chimerism (meaning my immune system continues to be 100% of my donors) and 99% T-Cells (which are responsible for fighting off rogue cells, like Reed Sternberg cells that earmark Hodgkins). So those results are awesome, as were my 28% increase in lung function since March. I’m relieved to say the least, and have to admit that I was hesitant leading up to these six month benchmarks. I was hesitant to believe that they would be well…good. I interpreted every itch as the dreaded Hodgkin’s itch (by the way intense itching is not normal and is often the first sign of an underlying problem), and every abnormal sensation an angry lymph node waiting to implode my new sense of well being. And I’m not an anxious person, thank god. I can’t even imagine how many times a day I would need to utilize the deep breathing app on my Fitbit if I were. And still I’m hesitant to believe that transplant might have been the answer. I’m left with 70% doubt, since 30% success is what the data shows. And I am fully aware that no statistic has ever been accurate in my case, but the numbers play tricks with my mind. I guess no different than Calculus, I had serious doubts of passing that too. Most of the time I can look past the hesitation, but it creeps up in the oddest ways. So I have to work on it even though it hasn’t stopped me from doing anything, that’s for sure.
I’m full steam ahead planning for our wedding two years from now. And admittedly, prior to transplant, I dreamt about marrying Josh but was never quite sure we’d get there. It’s hard to future plan, when you are confronted with the possibility death. I know Tim McGraw makes it sound almost exciting in his song – “I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying”, but it isn’t and all I can say to that is F-you Tim McGraw. Now don’t get me wrong, this experience has changed my perspective and my life in a positive way, but still… Anyhow, future planning is in full swing. I already committed to a photographer, a caterer and a dj. So much for my commitment phobic nature that apparently disappeared after my lengthly relationship with Josh, Dr. Z, and Hodge. I’m having fun with the wedding planning and getting back into shape for it. I like to call it sweating for the wedding, Josh does not – especially when I make him get up early on the weekends to hit up the bike trail. But he humors me anyway. I’m more or less committed to treating my new stem cells better than my last ones, so as a result I have developed an intense relationship with Blaze (my fitbit). We count our steps, flights of stairs, and punches thrown (boxing dvd) all while enjoying Fabletics, Jax walks, and the outdoors. I genuinely feel great!! And I can’t be more thankful for it. So I guess my words of wisdom, that I won’t hesitate to tell you are “always be grateful, thankful and know that you are blessed”. And for more gems like this keep reading (National Novel Writing Month is November and I just might be working on something big). And in the meantime, I’ll keep doing the hard work of becoming myself.