The Time Is Now

I have never been a fan of a countdown clock, not that I’ve really ever had one but regardless I am not a fan. It hangs over your head like a looming deadline. And let’s face it, no one likes deadlines, even if you do work better under pressure like I do. I may not like the countdown clock because in my mind it always seems to countdown to something drastic. I remember when I was a kid one of my favorite movies was the American Rabbit (which I passed on to my goddaughter for the sake of nostalgia) and I think it had a countdown clock or at least I remember it that way when the Vulture was about to take over. (I may need to check on that.) But in movies the countdown clock is always a bad thing, it tends to be the moment when everyone holds their breath to brace themselves for the horror or when the bomb squad gets called in to save the day. I had the date April 12th circled on the calendar and everyday that it came closer the worse it seemed, like the countdown clock. I even asked Josh if we could make a break for it a couple of times and he told me it wasn’t worth the fallout…ughhh.

That meant I had to have my last day at school, which was tough. As a teacher, I have always believed that the kids that walk through your door are “your kids” and leaving them with anyone other than me was difficult. Plus I had to pack up my room completely in anticipation for adding the seventh grade to our school next year. So the walls were bare and the kids were somber, but they were also thoughtful and kind. My seniors planned a birthday/going away party and bought me a beautiful journal and wrote messages in it. I was surprised I managed to hold it together. I almost made it the whole day until one of my sophomore asked me why bad things happen to good people and I couldn’t really provide him with a good answer other than that life isn’t always fair. I also made sure to tell him that despite that fact, I wouldn’t change mine for anything. I have an incredible life, I just also have refractory Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I hope if I have taught them anything about life it is to persevere with a positive attitude regardless of the circumstances you may be faced with. Since I left on Friday, I have received little notes and photos from them here and there which mean a lot me.

I didn’t want to give myself too much time between the transplant and stopping work, because I think living in my headspace for too long wouldn’t have been beneficial. So I had the weekend and two days, much of which I spent dining out with family and friends and packing. Packing for a BMT (Bone Marrow/Stem Cell Transplant) is hard. All clothes, blankets, etc. need to be freshly laundered and placed in plastic bags. I of course had to do mine by outfit fully equipped with pants, a tank top, shirt, and matching headscarf because when you look good you feel better. Either that or I believe myself to be Coco Chanel. I also needed to pack for 30 days in isolation, that means I needed books, activities, coloring, technology, etc. It all amounted to seven bags stuffed full and a box. Josh was hoping for a bell hop at the hospital, but he was disappointed.

Once the packing was done, I also needed to do something about my hair. I had been informed that it would fall out from the treatment. There is nothing worse than losing your hair in pieces and waking up with it in your mouth. I do that now with golden retriever fur….yuck! So I decided to take matters into my own hands and shave it first. I’m not super emotional about my hair, after all Steph shaved it into a multicolored mohawk the first time. So this time Josh did it and we went with funny. Things I’ve learned about this process, if you can’t laugh you’ll cry.  So we went with funny. I think I pull off a mustache quite well, just not as good as Josh!

I was ready to go after that I guess, kind of, sort of. I am fortunate to have so many people in my life that make it hard to leave. For example, my soon to be sister in law arranged daily fun activity bags to be opened once I have my transplant. Similarly Steph, knowing how much I love cards and stationary, arranged Kards for Krista at school and handed me a box of hand written notes for inspiration and encouragement. There are so many people who make up my amazing support system and luckily I was able to see most of them before I left. The day before I left I managed to sneak in a Home Depot run with my dad, lunch with my mom, ball with Jax, talk time with Nancy (my second mom) and Steph and Bryan, and couch time with Josh. I knew I couldn’t run because they were all the reasons why I was doing this. I am young and healthy enough to endure the process and if I waited that may not be the case. So the Time is Now and I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.