When I see the phrase “it’s complicated”, I often wonder what makes a particular situation so complex or at the very least more complex than any other situation. It peaks my curiosity. When I see the phrase in the position of a relationship status, I want to know what could possibly be so complicated about your relationship. I always kind of just thought if you weren’t dating, you were single and if you were and it was exclusive, you were in a relationship. So does “it’s complicated” mean that you have imagined your significant other, that it is one sided other than an occasional impromptu rendezvous, is said other person married? Really how complicated are we talking?
The dictionary defines complicated as an adjective consisting of many interconnecting parts or elements; intricate. Synonymous with involved, convoluted, impenetrable, tricky, confusing, bewildering. None of which actually sound like the makings of a healthy functional relationship in the least. And yet as it turns out, I am in fact in a “complicated relationship” with my cancer. (Josh is easy, we are in a relationship albeit one that has a learning curve attached it is quite simple. We are exclusive and thus bound by the relationship title.) My cancer on the other hand requires the “it’s complicated” denotation. Sadly, my relationship with my cancer has been my longest relationship in years (overshadowing Josh by a solid six months). And it was definitely a relationship that surprised me, one I certainly could not have anticipated. Despite my trepidations in the beginning, I had good intentions of making it work (of course that was before I became a statistical anomaly). And well now, fourteen months later, I feel as though I unwillingly entered an arranged marriage and at the very least can hope for a quickie divorce in the near future. So what if I am already certain that this ‘first marriage’ of mine is just not working out for me after fourteen months. Celebrity marriages don’t even usually last this long. Plus it’s not like I picked Hodg, he picked me. And while I may be just as into “50 Shades of Gray” as the next woman, I do not love being in the submissive role to my far more dominant and powerful cancerous partner. Thus my end goal is an amicable divorce, or in medical terms remission. I have missed my opportunity for an annulment (or a cure) but a clear break is still entirely possible. So alas, I have begun the ‘divorce process’ by participating in the clinical trial to eradicate my impenetrable, convoluted, tricky other half.
So far the divorce proceedings are going surprisingly well. One never knows what to expect in a situation such as this one. I have had three sessions thus far and the results have been a bit of a mixed bag. I feel fantastic most of the time and am thankful that this transitional phase has done little in uprooting my daily routine and fun with friends and family. Recent disclosure has yielded great news of disappearing tumors and significantly lower inflammation rates which has made both Z and Dr. J very excited at the prospect of this new immunotherapy regiment for me. I couldn’t be more excited to think that a possible break up is in my future (even if I do have complete the 93 week trial)! What I do know is that regardless, it won’t allow me to leave unscathed. Several weeks ago, I had to delay treatment because it induced a pneumonitis, rapid heart rate, and a thyroid condition which needed to be addressed before continuing treatments. So as with any complex situation there is always some bad accompanying the good. Who was I kidding? Did I really think I was going to get rid of Hodg so easily? I knew he wasn’t just going to hand over the keys to the house and take all of his junk with him. I acknowledge it’s going to be a process, but at this juncture it may be complicated but definitely doable. I have to admit this ‘first marriage’ has taught me a lot and I believe that even after our ‘divorce’ Hodg and I will continue our complicated love hate relationship.