My Abstract Random Mind

So my friend Steph has always remarked that she could never trade places with me, because my mind is clearly a scary place. And I can’t exactly disagree, my mind IS a scary place that tends to be abstract random to say the least. My thought process often lacks logic, much like my mouth lacks a filter. I have always had a tendency to say whatever I was thinking, no matter how ridiculous it may be to others. I’m sure Steph could easily provide you with a list of ridiculous things I have said in the past ten years of our friendship, some of which I imagine include…”what do you mean a Moose is not the skyscraper of the animal kingdom?”and “so I turn here?” (into a cow field). My latest random thoughts have resulted in hysterical laughing on the part of my boyfriend (Josh), parents, and friends. So my boyfriend is of the Jewish faith and I am Catholic and thus know very little about Jewish traditions, which became very obvious to Josh when I questioned who brought the presents to the Jewish children during Chanukah. And when he asked me to clarify, I asked if there was a Jewish Santa. And once he stopped laughing, he explained that there was not and that parents and other members of the family were responsible for giving the gifts on the eight (not twelve like I thought because somehow I associate Chanukah with the 12 Days of Christmas song) days of Chanukah. So now you have a frame of reference for the randomness that is my mind. And since my cancer diagnosis, I have a whole bunch of random thoughts pertaining to that and other things…

THOUGHTS ON TRENDS AND BEAUTY

• Would it be inappropriate to craft my eyebrows based on random emotions? For example, one up higher to show a perplexed look, slanted inward to indicate anger, rounded to show amusements, etc.  (In case you were wondering, I never lost my eyebrows so I didn’t get the opportunity to try this.)
• Is it wrong to hope that I actually lose weight during my stem cell in hopes of being able to buy a whole new wardrobe for my closet?
• Wearing hair is actually an inconvenience (even if it looks good) and is only tolerable when the temperature dips low enough where you need it to keep your head warm.
• When you wear a wig you often end up with food in it, because you can’t feel the weight difference like real hair.
• Wearing hair is for special occasions, unless the temperature rule applies.
• Why is it that chemo can take out my hair and some of my less stubborn cancer but can’t seem to kill off my eczema (which has always been annoying )?
• It is absolutely necessary to match your head scarves to your outfits, and thus I own at least fifty.
• You just need to adjust to the fact that every person you encounter will undoubtedly tell you that “you look good” what they do not say out loud but imply is that you look good for having cancer. (But seriously who cares take it as a compliment.)
• Suddenly I have self confidence that I hadn’t had since I was 22 and a size 10.
• I hope that my hair will grow back like Julia Roberts.

Thoughts on Relationships and Dating

• Is it really necessary that my doctor know about my sex life? Because he does and even attempted to have the talk with me. I explained that I was 32 and it wasn’t my first time.
• Having cancer means that you and your significant other need to be aware of your platelet count if you plan on being intimate in any way. And you actually cheer when they are over the required 50,000.
• You know you are comfortable with your significant other when you can go hairless.
• I must be difficult to date because my cancer status means that Josh can never really win an argument of any kind. Not that I ever use the cancer card but it looms over head and silently makes its point.
• I can’t imagine why anyone would want to date someone whose future is so uncertain.
• I wonder if people think Josh is crazy for dating a cancer patient, because I sometimes think he must be. And I will definitely think so when he has to don a hazmat suit to see me during my transplant recovery.

Thoughts on Society 

• Why did I waste so much time working and not enough time on the things that really matter?
• It seems my students are part of a generation without empathy.
• I have the most amazing friends and family in the world, who are supportive and funny and really make all the difference.
• Nurses really deserve medals of honor for what they do for their patients. I have yet to meet one that doesn’t go above and beyond their job description.
• There are far too many people in this world with cancer. There are far too many young adults and children undergoing cancer treatments.
• All cancers deserve recognition and funding, not just breast cancer.
• People would be much happier if they stopped sweating the small stuff and appreciated everyday for what it had to offer.
• The kindness of strangers can be staggering.
• Everyone should have a support group or indulge in therapy of some kind (formally or informally).
• Everyone has something.

Random Thoughts in General

• Ever since I started chemo I no longer have dreams at night that I can remember.
• I absolutely love getting mail. I think we should communicate via the postal service, it seems so much more personal.
• Only some dogs are connected to our emotions.
• People think having cancer automatically makes you cold and offer you blankets.
• The power of prayer means more than I could have imagined.
• I sometimes completely forget I have cancer.
• Sometimes the fact that I have cancer is all I think about.
• I’m not entirely sure I know what it feels like to feel well.
• I wonder if I am somehow responsible for this (bad life choices) or if perhaps it’s karma for a past life.
• I think having cancer has made me a happier person.
• I am no longer afraid to take chances.
• I appreciate life!